Matt Heath: My parting message: Enjoy things while they are around

A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.

Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.

Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.

Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.

Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.

A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”

Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.

While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?

Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”

With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.

There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).

A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.

Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.

Bless!

My SIL Threw Away All My Brothers Hawaiian Shirts Instead of Packing Them As Promised, Unaware I Saw Her

When I caught my sister-in-law, Iris, secretly tossing my brother Donny’s beloved Hawaiian shirts instead of packing them, I knew I had to act fast. Rather than confront her, I quietly rescued them and planned the perfect prank. Little did Iris know, her “trash” was about to make a memorable comeback!

I pulled into my brother’s nearly empty house, where the moving truck had already left for Oklahoma. Iris was finishing the last bit of packing, and I was there to help with the final touches.

I knocked on the door but didn’t wait for a reply. I never did.

“Hey! I brought coffee!” I called out as I walked inside. The empty house echoed back at me, but there was no response. Iris was probably upstairs, so I headed to the bedroom to find her.

As I neared the door, which was slightly ajar, I saw her crouched over a trash bag, focused on her task. And that’s when I saw it—bright, familiar colors peeking out from the bag. Donny’s Hawaiian shirts! My heart skipped a beat.

I froze, trying to process what I was seeing. Iris teased Donny relentlessly about those shirts, but throwing them out? I stood there, watching in disbelief as she stuffed another one into the trash like it was worthless.

Those shirts weren’t just clothes to Donny—they were part of his personality. He loved them, and there was no way he’d ever agree to throw them out. My anger flared, but I forced myself to think fast.

“Iris!” I called out, nudging the door open with my foot and stepping inside. “What are you up to?”

Her eyes widened in shock as she quickly tried to close the bag. “Candy! You’re early. I was just, uh… throwing out some trash.”

I glanced at the trash bag stuffed with Donny’s favorite shirts and smirked. She was caught red-handed, and an idea began to form.

“Take a break,” I said, thrusting the coffee into her hands. “I’ll take out the trash for you, and then you can tell me what else you need help with.”

Before she could protest, I snatched up the bag and headed outside. Once safely by my car, I tossed the shirts into my trunk, chuckling to myself. This was going to be the best prank ever.

Later that evening, I texted my parents with a plan. Surprise housewarming party at Donny and Iris’s new place. Meet in Oklahoma this Saturday. 🎉

My parents loved surprises, especially the kind that made their kids squirm with embarrassment. Little did they know, I had something even more exciting planned for the party.

We arrived at Donny and Iris’s new home late that Saturday afternoon, with the Oklahoma sun beginning to dip. Iris answered the door, her surprise thinly masked. I could tell she wasn’t ready for this.

“Surprise!” we all shouted, balloons in hand. My mom charged in, already asking questions and complimenting the house while nearly knocking over a lamp.

Donny emerged from the kitchen, grinning in his usual laid-back way, though noticeably without one of his signature floral shirts. He wore a plain tee instead, which made me snicker inside.

“Wow, you guys came all the way out here!” he exclaimed, giving me a quick hug. “I just wish the airline hadn’t lost my luggage. All my favorite Hawaiian shirts are gone. Just vanished.”

I bit my lip to keep from laughing, especially when I noticed Iris fidgeting nervously behind him. Her expression was priceless.

“You mean your Hawaiian shirts?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah! Man, I loved those shirts,” Donny said, clearly disappointed.

“They were definitely… memorable,” I agreed, shooting a sideways glance at Iris, whose face had turned a shade paler. She avoided eye contact, and I couldn’t resist pushing the joke further. “I bet Iris really misses seeing you in them, huh?”

She forced a smile and nodded. “Oh, yes. Those… shirts.”

By the time we got to the gift exchange, Iris was practically buzzing with nerves. After Mom and Dad gave Donny some practical housewarming gifts, it was my turn.

“Here you go, bro. Thought you might like this,” I said, handing him a framed childhood photo of the two of us, Donny proudly wearing one of his cherished Hawaiian shirts.

His face lit up as he showed it to everyone. “Look at us! Man, I used to love that shirt.”

“And speaking of shirts,” I added with a grin, “there’s one more thing.” I dramatically pulled the trash bag from behind me, the one Iris had thought was long gone.

Donny’s eyes widened as I pulled out the first of his Hawaiian shirts, holding it up like a trophy. “No. Freaking. Way!” he shouted in disbelief, grabbing the shirt from me and running his hands over it like a lost treasure. “How did you…?”

I winked. “I have my ways.”

Iris stood frozen, her mouth slightly open, trying to process what had just happened. She had no idea how to respond, but the realization that she had been caught slowly dawned on her face.

After the excitement settled down, Iris pulled me aside, her face flushed. “You saw me, didn’t you?” she asked, crossing her arms in frustration.

I feigned innocence. “Saw what?”

She sighed, rubbing her temples. “The shirts. You saw me throw them out.”

“Maybe,” I teased. “Looks like he really missed them, huh?”

She groaned. “I can’t stand those loud, tacky things. But seeing how happy they make him… maybe I was wrong.”

I put a hand on her shoulder. “Relationships are all about compromise. Besides, no one’s asking you to wear them.”

She laughed, finally relaxing a little. “And I guess you weren’t going to let that ‘lost luggage’ story go, huh?”

I grinned. “What can I say? I live for a good prank.”

Later, Iris came clean in front of the whole family, admitting what she had done. She confessed that she found the shirts ridiculous but, seeing how much they meant to Donny, she was sorry.

Donny just laughed it off. “Hey, I love my shirts, but I love you more,” he said, giving her a kiss. “I’ll save them for weekends, just for you.”

In the end, the Hawaiian shirts became more than just a wardrobe choice—they turned into a family joke, a reminder of Donny’s quirky charm and the little compromises we make for the people we love.

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